


Sex education for John 'Three Continents' Watson

by fellshish



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Don’t copy to another site, Humor, Johnlock - Freeform, Lots of dick jokes, M/M, Military Kink, POV John Watson, Sexual Humor, firing all my puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 13:10:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18717733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fellshish/pseuds/fellshish
Summary: Sherlock Holmes is head over heels in love with his new boyfriend John Watson. However, it turns out John’s skills in the bedroom are… not quite living up to his 'three continents' reputation. In bed, Sherlock feels like a dead body, except less stiff. He is desperate, and contacts Irene to whip John into shape. Major Sholto also has some bullet points.This is the sequel to “Three Continents, No Compliments”, an original story by the amazing ChrisCalledMeSweetie, who prompted me to write this as a celebration to my two year fic writing anniversary.





	Sex education for John 'Three Continents' Watson

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChrisCalledMeSweetie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisCalledMeSweetie/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Three Continents, No Compliments](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13244100) by [ChrisCalledMeSweetie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisCalledMeSweetie/pseuds/ChrisCalledMeSweetie). 



> This is a sequel to ChrisCalledMeSweetie's funny short story "Three Continents, No Compliments" and I warmly recommend you read that first (though it's not needed to understand this work). I've picked it up after Irene received Sherlock's cry for help.
> 
> A special thank you to the overall outstanding human person, and my beta: 88thparallel.

“I’m here for a consult, Doctor.”

John is almost scared to death walking into his office, seeing Irene. She’s sitting perfectly still and poised on an exam table. In her usual outfit, naturally.

Literally: naturally.

“Put on some clothes at least, woman,” he insists, not even very shakily. That’s a win.

She remains unmoving. Actually, that’s also a win. Considering the… crossed legs.

John eyes them with some fear in his heart.

“But I was hoping to play Doctor,” Irene says, not even blinking.  

“You’ll catch a cold.” John grabs a stethoscope, as if that’ll do him any good. Does she even _have_ a heart? He clears his throat. “What can I help you with? STD test?”

“Oh, no, Doctor Watson,” Irene says, slowly elongating herself on the exam table as if it’s a luxury Chesterfield, not a hospital table with some paper cloth on top of it.

John sharply retains eye contact with her. Yet, in the corner of his eyes, he can see her boobs bounce a little downward, conforming to gravity. This is surely not cheating on Sherlock - yet he should probably say bi, errr, bye soon.

“It’s not a consult for me,” Irene says. “It’s for you.”

John swallows.

“You see, I’ve been hired,” she continues.

“Hired?”

“Well, a favor’s been called in. My expertise is needed.”

“No, thank you, I’m good on all my blackmail,” John turns to his desk, looking to assemble her clothes. They must be somewhere in this office. “Now if you’ll please…”

“Sherlock hasn’t orgasmed,” she states.

John’s head snaps up.

“You’ve rutted against his legs, salivated into his mouth, rutted some more and then fallen asleep,” her tongue cracks like a whip. “Twice.”

John blinks profusely. That’s not what happened…. Well. He was just tired from working long shifts, that is all. They’re fine! What’s it to her, anyhow?

“It’s not any of your business.”

“It’s literally my business.”

“You’re a lesbian dominatrix,” John scolds. “I have nothing to learn from you.”

Not about penises, not about Sherlock’s penis - which the Woman definitely did not see. John is definitely, definitely almost certain of it.

Even so, it must have been in passing.

“I took you to three continents,” a loud voice booms behind him, suddenly.

John pales, and turns to see a man in the doorway. “Sir -”

“That’s _Major_ to you.”

“Major -”

“You’re a major disappointment.”

“-Sholto…” John’s at a loss for words. His tongue feels dry in his throat. It’s like seeing a ghost from his past - Sholto, back in his old uniform, eyes hard, and speaking of hard -

“I took you to three continents, and you learned nothing. You only conquered, and fired your gun,” Sholto continues.

“That’s kind of…” _The point_ , John wants to say. But should he? Is it?

“I thought I had taught you better,” Sholto says. “Did I say you could stand at ease?”

John stiffens back into military mode.

“Better.”

Sholto locks eyes with Irene, who has slipped into John’s white lab coat and is smirking quite near to the medicine cabinet. But John’s attention is quickly brought back to Sholto, who suddenly leans close to his face.

“You were trained in the Queen’s army, in St Bart’s, in Afghanistan, and that one bootcamp in France due to budget cuts. Were you not?”

“Yes... Major Sholto.”

“Now, what does a good soldier do before he shoots his load-,” Sholto slowly says, emphasising each syllable. “-ed rifle into an enemy?”

“Errr…” John starts, glancing at Irene, who’s near the X-ray lightbox now. She’s hanging something on top of it.

“Firstly, the soldier scouts the environment,” Sholto barks.

Irene drops a map - no, an anatomy drawing - of a naked, male body. With a cut-out picture of Sherlock’s head glued on top.

_Oh lord, no._

“The soldier maps out the territory,” Sholto yells in John’s face.

Irene points at the drawing’s torso and legs.

“Water is precious and therefore rationed,” Sholto says. “And must not be dispensed lavishly, however hot it gets.”

Irene points at Sherlock’s lips. John groans. The kissing - yes, there might have been some excess saliva. But he was just so overwhelmed with lust. He’s not usually… This little in control. But it’s Sherlock. It’s forbidden fruit that now can finally breach his lips. And yes, his mouth is watering for it.

“A thorough exploration of all of the combat zones is are very important,” Sholto says.

Irene taps the nipples with a pointy stick, then moves to the inners thighs, the frail neck, the earlobes.

John is not religious, but now he’s praying for help. Bloody erogenous zones.

“I was just tired from work, those two times” John tries to defend himself. Seeing the look in Sholto’s eyes, he stammers. “Sir, yes sir.”

“The bushes!” Sholto yells. “Must be entered with caution.”

Irene rubs the drawing’s pubic area with delicate fingers, nails painted blood red.

“Highly trained privates,” Sholto continues, “do not go off on their own. Understood?”

“Sir, yes sir,” John salutes. He’s never been this embarrassed and aroused in his life.

“Be sure to fully... take in your enemy surroundings,” Sholto instructs.

Irene licks her lips suggestively. John groans. Really. Not. Necessary.

“Deep exploration is advised,” Sholto says. “Though be aware of the possibility of friendly fire. Take out the enemy’s soldiers.”

Irene rubs the drawing’s testicles.

“And find the most important trenches.”

Sholto moves behind John, never once touching him, but whispering suggestively in his ear.

“Wet your gear, then slowly and carefully breach the enemy line,” Sholto instructs.

John tries hard not to shiver, imagining Sherlock whimpering and begging underneath him.

“It’s best to take out your enemy from the inside,” Sholto whispers in John’s ear. “Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty.”  

John nods. Is he sweating?

Irene rolls the map away, and smiles, satisfied.

“The Queen’s military strongly advises to have several rounds in your chamber,” Sholto concludes. “Now, at ease, soldier.”

John relaxes. Barely.

“Now go find your man,” Irene orders. “And wipe him out.”

John swallows. Still a tad shell-shocked, he starts walking to the door.

“Private Watson. One more thing,” Major Sholto booms, holding out a heap of clothes.

John nods.

He puts on his old army uniform and dutifully heads home.

**Author's Note:**

> Yesterday was my two year fic writing anniversary! I can't even begin to tell you guys how proud I am. Thank you for being here with me. 
> 
> A big hug and lots of love to my studying gf <3
> 
> I hope you guys liked this story - don't be afraid to drop me a line if you do ;) But no pressure, of course.


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